Things You Could Do Instead of Using Maintouch

This week, we set our content marketer on a mission: find viable alternatives to using Maintouch.

When asked to complete this task, she threatened to quit, and likened it to the time her 8th grade algebra teacher sent the entire class home with an impossible equation to solve for homework (curse you, Ms. Mainus).

But at Maintouch, we believe in serving our customers. So when people ask on sales calls "what other options are out there," we feel we owe you an answer. Finding a good answer to that question is hard, but alternatives do exist. So here's the list of best Maintouch alternatives right now:

1. Let the nepo baby intern run your SEO

Your company doesn't have an intern program. But that doesn't stop your company's president from staffing his daughter on the marketing team for the summer. Great news for you: in addition to being well versed in what's trending on TikTok right now, where the best happy hour in the West Village is, and how to get a table at Surf Lodge, she's perfectly qualified to run your entire SEO and AEO motion.

No coding experience? No content experience? No knowledge of brand voice or compliance policies? No problem. Surely the two blog posts she wrote on "Best Yacht Parties for [Industry Name]," and "Ultimate Guide to St. Tropez for [Industry Name]," will get you ranking by Christmas.

2. Telepathy

Forget Google and LLMs. Why go the boring route when you could get into a buyer's head before they even think to ask the question? Anyone (even your least competent coworker) can master the power of telepathy with enough grit and delusion.

How to do this:

• Drink 4 Celsius in 45 minutes (better results if you shotgun them)
• Stare at your company homepage for 12 hours
• Wait until after midnight
• Visualize your ideal customers sleeping
• Inject relevant questions + the visual of your site into their brains.

From what we've heard, it's almost guaranteed that they'll wake up feeling eerie. But they'll know who you are. When the question arises in their conscious, they'll remember your name. When they go to your site, deja vu will flood them. This is the key to getting warmer leads.

3. Make 10,000 wishes

If wishes do come true, then you can wish to have your company website rank on Google and LLMs. We've heard from people that tried this that one wish is only good for one ranking or citation for one query, so you're going to need a lot of them. Here's how people suggested wish maxxing:

• Force all employees to agree only to wish to rank or get cited for every birthday they have, as long as they live. If your average employee is 30 years old, and you have 20 employees, that's 1400 wishes if they live to 100.
• Find 1000 lamps, summon 1000 genies. You can thrift lamps at select stores in NYC, or you can take a team offsite to go looking for them. Once you've sourced 1000 lamps, you can summon 1000 genies. That's 3000 guaranteed wishes right there.
• Take all of the money you raised in your seed round, convert it to coins (nickels, since the U.S. no longer mints pennies). Get your team and throw said coins in fountains. Relatively low lift, high reward, depending on your funding.
• Rip out all of your eyelashes. The average person has 200-300 eyelashes per eye. Plus, these regenerate every 6-12 weeks!

More wishes, more rankings and citations, more leads. That's success.

4. Build your own search engine

You can always be the answer when you build your own search engine. To hell with Google and their 20 years of being the place people go to get information. Anyone can vibe code anything these days. So why not just build your own Google?

When you build your own search engine, you can be the top answer for every single question. Be the answer when people ask about a competitor. Be the answer when people ask about a solution. Be the answer when people ask "how long to cook sweet potato 400 degrees." Be the only answer, for everyone, always.

People will love it.

5. Take down your entire website

Have you considered not even trying to do SEO or AEO? Have you considered having no online presence at all? We talked to a few people, and these were their top alternatives to having a website:

Option A: Be super mysterious. Everyone knows that the most qualified leads come from people who found your company's phone number in the bathroom stall of a dive bar. Or in the yellow pages. Or on a random piece of paper that's been in their wallet for 5 years. Let your company phone number out into the physical world with no indication as to what you do and watch inbound flood in.

Option B: Door-to-door marketing. Canvassing for a local politician? LDS? Nope. This group of high schoolers is hitting the streets to spread the word about SaaS. Oh no! They knocked on the door of a stay-at-home mom of two who has no use for your product! Doesn't even matter. They'll talk to her. She'll talk to her friends about the experience. Boom. Leads.

Or you could just use Maintouch.

You've just read our entire summary of ways to get your company to be the answer when people ask, and you should choose the solution that suits you and your company best. If none of these, including Maintouch, works for you, you are probably:

1. Wrong
2. Lowkey a meanie

Our content marketer put her trauma aside to find solutions for you, and you're not even grateful. It's like Ms. Mainus all over again. We're taking her side. No demo for you, but you can apologize for what you just put her through.